the first of many

I felt it fall, delicately brushing my cheek leaving a mark. It felt like time had stopped as i looked down to watch it fall. As it reached the floor, it smashed into a million particles on the concrete like glass would when broken. I stood there, silently, slowly breathing in and out, my heart beating in my chest, the tear that fell would become only one of the many that would crumble into a million pieces and i didn’t know how to stop them. i didn’t know how to save them, but most of all i didn’t know how to stop the pain that i felt inside.
-h.newman

"I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who to be, I don’t know how to be, I dont know anything."

& you leave without a trace, you don't look back for the fear you may turn around a head back in the wrong direction.

random facts about me.

• I almost always have freezing cold toes.

• i have really long laughing fits - once one went for forty minutes.
• i love helping people
• i love my family and friends to death
• i’m in my first year at uni
• i study Photography and Graphic Design
• i love elephants
• i love love love taylor swift
• purple is my favourite colour
• youngest of two children, the only girl
• youngest on both sides of my family
• can be very mature and very immature
• i write
• my best friend and i are like sponge bob and Patrick
• i’m amazed by small things
• i sometimes wish for more
• i miss quite eaisly
• i wear glasses
• my sunnies are a floral pattern
• i want to change someone’s life
• i want to make this place better
• i have deep and dark fears that can tear me apart
• deep down im a bright and bubbly girl
• i want so much out of my life.
• i just want to live life.
• i love making new friends.
• im  a Gilmore Girls freak  (forever)
• my mum and i are close
• i love cake

 
 
There are so much more but ill save them for later

all i want to do is scream.

sometimes i feel like i give alot more to people then they are willing to give to me.
i tend to give all that i have to give
im always there for people when they need a shoulder to cry on, i forget what is happening to me for those moments that they need me, everything is about them.
when its my turn to need a shoulder, there is a shoulder there but there isn't the ears i need, the moment isn't entirely mine, its theirs as well because they make it like that. its been like that my entire life, all my friendships have been like that.
i give everything that i can for them, always have and will most likely always will.

truth is it’s never going to be the same again.

it was to beyond the universe and back

The tear fell from her eye,

she just stood there crying feeling so sad.

He walked into the room and even though she was crying she was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

those hours, the ones we spent together, i felt safe, i felt like nothing could ever hurt me, i felt like me. i had no worries in the world. I had you and you had me. The moments when we lay together in my bed under the cover of darkness and spoke, they made me feel safe, they made me feel special. Those moments whenever we connected, nothing could ever go wrong because i was with you.

Woah, reading those old pieces of writing brings back some memories.
The feeling of Nostalgia overcame me, making me wish for things from my very distant past and the not too distant past.
Also i noticed how my writing has changed and the way i put my thoughts across have changed.
writing is my escape from what is happening to and around me, it calms me.
Its an escape mechanism, one of my escape mechanisms.

Just Maybe

Maybe I’m the one who was at fault,
Maybe I shouldn’t have run.
Maybe it’s the way its meant to be,
Maybe there is no you and me.

Just let it go,
Just let it be.
Just carry on as normal,
Just pretend there was never you and me

Maybe I should go,
Maybe I should stay.
Maybe there’s another life,
Maybe were meant to be.

Just let it go,
Just let it be.
Just carry on as normal,
Just pretend there was never you and me.

Maybe I’m gonna survive,
Maybe I’ll find a new love.
Maybe it’s better this way,
Maybe we should just be friends.

Just let it go,
Just let it be.
Just carry on as normal,
Just pretend there was never you and me


2006

Amazing

It’s amazing how,
We can get so caught up in our lives.
That we don’t even realise that everyday,
Somewhere around the world someone dies.

It’s amazing how we can say,
‘I'm sorry’ and not even mean it.
There’s not use in saying sorry,
If you don’t mean it.

It’s amazing how someone can,
Have everything they want.
But can’t be bother to help someone in need.

It’s amazing how much one simple smile,
Goes a long long way.
Or how one Hello,
Means so much to a person.

Maybe just that one smile,
Or on hello, will save someone’s life


2007

Focusing on reality

This peice of writing was one of the first things i wrote way back in 2006.

Girl's P.O.V

I turn my head, I focus into reality, and he’s staring at me. His eyes glistening in the light. I feel as though nothings happen, no wrong turns, only right.
For only a moment he’s mine again, floating back into my dreams, were together. So careless, so free. Then I remember the fight, those hurtful words that were said that night.
He said he was sorry more than a million times. I didn’t listen, thinking of myself again. What I did was wrong. Let him down, I let him go, I hurt him. Many times. He was there to rescue me, in times of trouble, after all that I had done. I let him go again. Stupid me.
Now I realise that he’s the one, the one I want, the one I need. He probably doesn't care anymore; he’s given me all his love; when I didn't appreciate it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Our life together was short lived because of me. They tell me over again ' Your meant to be together, Forever' Yeah right, not now after everything. Just let it be. Time will heal things, and then I'll stuff up again. But he’s the one, the one I want, the one I need. He said those three words, I didn’t say them back, is it too late to say ' I love you'? He's the One, The one I want, and the one I need.

GUYS P.O.V

I look at her, She's staring at me, and Her Blue eyes are shinning like at star on a perfect summer's night. Everyone is laughing around us. She smiles with pain in her eyes. It hurts me to know I put it there, I wish we were together again, only if its for a moment, or, one hour, or, even just one day. So I could say i’m sorry for everything that I have done, sorry for the jealousy, sorry for the yelling, sorry for the anger and sorry for not believing that she could do her job.
We got so far, and then I all came Falling down like rain,
We've been through so much together, Pain, Laughter, Trouble, and Happiness. I only wish for one moment, or, one hour, or, even just for one day. I took her for granted; everything seemed so perfect when we were together. The roses remind me of her, The sweet smell and the Beautiful colours, She smiles at me, Noticing i’m looking at her. I smile back she's so Beautiful. If only we had one Moment, or, one hour, or, even just one more day together again.

Hanging Heart.

As the blood drips,
From this heart.
A tear drips from my eye,
They crash together on the concrete.

The clear tear turns red,
Staining the surface of the earth.
The heart so broken,
So fragile & lonely.

No one knows why its broken,
No one knows where it belongs.
So many places,
So many people.

So many hearts,
That have been broken.
But not as harsh as this one,
This is the heart of a young girl.

One that now knows no pain,
One that will never love again.
The blood drips,
The tear falls.

2.11.2007

Chance for tomorrow

Please give her a chance for tomorrow,
So she can see what its like.
For someone to love her,
For someone to hold her tight.

In the arms of her guardian angel,
Please give her another chance.
Another day to survive this fate,
Another chance at life.

A chance to dance,
A chance to fight.
The re-occurring dream,
Of what her future may be like.

So please answer the prayers,
Give her another chance.
To dance, to love, to be held tight,
Also another chance for tomorrow.

29.10.2007

a life of today

This is her life,
Full of hate & hurt.
She knows nothing different,
Her past is a vivid memory.

She’s sixteen and homeless,
Drugs and Alcohol are her friends.
Dirty streets, newspaper sheets.
Restless sleep & nothing to eat.

This is her home,
Full of terrorism and nothing else.
It’s so unfair,
Nowhere to go, no on e to love.

Her future is uncertain,
It’s an undirected path.
Her mother died of drugs,
Her father died of love.

This is her life,
Uncertain, undirected.
Full of terrorism and nothing else,
It’s so unfair


29.10.2007

For Nan

After all these years,
It’s now time to say our farewells,
But you’re never going to be gone,
You’ll still live in our hearts.

It may seem like your life is ending,
But its just time for you to move
Onto the next chapter of your life.

The next chapter will be,
The best one of all, you will be peaceful and calm,
Sadly we are unable to be there with you,
But we will meet you there one day.

Until that day you will live on in our hearts,
This isn’t goodbye, its just see you later.
And just remember, Nan, that we love you.

Too close

You got too close. Too close to her. You were scared. Your heart pounded so fast when she was around. You felt like it was going to jump out of your chest.

You got too close. Too close to her. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from her snow-white skin, her soft blonde hair and her perfectly shaped lips.

You got too close. Too close to her. You didn’t know why you felt this way. All you knew was that this was different. This perfect woman, she was different.

You got too close. Too close to her. You didn’t know if you liked what you were doing. You weren’t sure if it would last. So you did what you do best. You broke her heart.

You left. No goodbye. No sorry. Nothing. You broke her heart. You got too close. Too close to her. You left.

You idiot.

"Just because you're leaving doesn't mean i'm letting you go."

- Peter Gallagher, The O.C.

it's three o'clock in the morning, she lay in bed still awake.
Her mind ticking over and over again. Her heart beating in her chest.

it's three o'clock in the morning, she lay in bed still awake.
unable to sleep, unable to move on.

it's three o'clock in the morning, she lay in bed still awake.
Her mind goes crazy, her heart beats faster and she lets out a sigh.

it's three o'clock in the morning, she lay in bed still awake.
thoughts, breaths, heart beats, tears.

it's three o'clock in the morning & she lay in bed still awake.

promises got broken

Heart beats. Deep breaths. Tears stream.
Your mind goes around and around all the time.
Your world spins around and around.

Heart beats. Deep Breaths. Tears stream.
Everyday it’s the same.
You try and hold it in.

Heart beats. Deep Breaths. Tears stream.
You hold in it until you’re alone.
Once the door is shut and the curtain is closed everything just flows.

Heart beats. Deep breaths. Tears stream.
No one around you seems to understand.
They just pretend like there’s nothing wrong.

Heart beats. Deep breaths. Tears stream.
You cry you eyes out.
You cry loudly, you cry softly.

Heart beats. Deep breaths. Tears stream.
Wipe your eyes, wash your face.
Your soul has been cried out.

Heart beats. Deep breaths. Tears stream.
Slowly you get up, reach for the door and turn the handle.
As you step out you put on your most convincing smile.

Heart Beats. Deep Breaths. Tears Stream.

& all you want to do i break down and cry,
so slowly you get up and walk away.
When you reach your destination, you close the door, close the curtain, turn off the light and cry.
You cry loudly, you cry softly, the tears just fall, slowly they make there way down your cheeks, onto your lips, down your chin, down you neck and get absorbed in you shirt.
You didn't cry yesterday and you thought you would be okay today, but you spoke to quick.
once you finish crying, you will wipe you face, put on a smile, lie to yourself, open the door and pretend that everything is okay.

i made promises to myself.

i made promises to others.

i made promises to him.

I broke the promises to myself.

i broke some of the promises to others.

i never broke any promises to him.

i have a secret held deep in my heart.

strong |strô ng |
adjective ( stronger |strô ng gər|, strongest |strô ng gist|)
1 having the power to move heavy weights or perform other physically demanding tasks.




something that i am not...both emotionally and physically.

so lost.

i wanted so bad to kiss him. but i didn’t. I knew it would hurt too much. so instead i just held onto him and looked into his eyes.

My mind goes over and over and over.
I can't stop thinking, and need to stop.
It's just hurting me even more and i don't think i can deal with it.
But what if, everything im saying is just to keep my mind at ease.
What if, it wasn't true, what if i made it all up?
I'm so scared that he will move on quicker than i expect.
what will happen then? i guess i will have to deal with it.
I know i have to stop, i have to let go, but right now, i can't.
Not letting go is probably the thing that is going to make it worse.
i can't let go, not just yet, because truthfully, im in love with him.

his heart. your heart

His heart. Your Heart.
Both fragile both hurt.

These days everything hurts, nothing ever makes it better. Nothing anyone except that one person does can help you.
But they can’t do anything because they are hurting too, you both are.
It’s killing you inside and its killing him.
If you give it time it should get better and even though you know you shouldn’t doubt that, you do.
You believe everything he says to you because he makes everything alright.
You have so much to say but you don’t know how to.
You just want this to be over, want it all to be good again.

His Heart. Your Heart.
Both fragile. Both hurt.

Your mind goes around and around constantly, trying to figure out what to say, trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.
Take it one step at a time. One breath at a time.
Take extra care of what you say, think about it before you speak for what you say could have a really bad outcome and just hurt much more than you intended to.
You tread slowly and quietly maybe then that will make it all good.

His Heart. Your Heart.
Both fragile. Both Hurt.

Lets find the nearest road and follow where it leads.
Lets just go and not look back.
Lets leave everything behind and drive all night and all day.
Lets just go anywhere other than here,
anywhere to forget the world.

You wish it was all a dream

You breathe in and out slowly. Your heart skips a beat and a tear appears in your
Nothing could ever explain why, nothing could ever change the past. Every time you close your eyes the past flashes before you.

Every morning when you wake, you wake up thinking it was all a dream, hoping and praying that it was. You throw the covers back, sit up and swing your legs over the edge of the bed. Your eyes fall to the bedside table; you see it and your breathing stops. The tears well making your vision blurry. Slowly your hand moves to the silver frame that holds the photo of the ones held safely in your heart.

Nothing could ever explain why it had to be them, why it had to happen to you. Your whole world was torn apart. It only took minutes for them to disappear, for them to be gone forever. Five smiles, five sets of laughter, five souls, gone.

Every photograph, every moment that took your breath away, every thought hurts. When the pain seems to ease it’s only like that for a minute. When it returns its worse every single time, stabbing so hard at your heart.

You knew that everything was going to be all right back then, now nothing seems all right.

Slowly you pick the frame up, swing you legs back onto the bed, lie down, and wipe away the tears that have fallen. You pull back the covers and close you eyes, the frame held tightly in your hands, keeping the ones inside safe.

You cry out his name. Begging for him to come back. Begging him for forgiveness. The look in his eyes tells you everything you need to know. You hurt him so much more that you could ever imagine, the pain you caused him was thing you didn’t want to do.

Your heart beats furiously in your chest as his hand slips away and he turns and walks away. The alcohol that you’ve consumed has made it hard to see; the tears that cloud your vision make it harder.

You don’t know what to do; you don’t know where to go. All you want is him. All you want is to take everything you said back. All you want is for everything to be okay.

sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesnt mean you love them any less. Sometimes it even makes you love them more.
- The last song.

To,
You, Beautiful

you always made
each and every breath
easier
to take

even if you began
by taking
my breath
away

From,
My Heart
(http://lovetrains.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-04-27T20%3A29%3A00%2B08%3A00&max-results=3)

& she fell for the one they told her not to.
she fell for him hard.
she swore he was everything that she would ever need.
she believed he was different to all the rest,
she listened to his lies, she took the pain.
they kept telling her he wasn’t the right one for her,
she kept ignoring them.
Never would she listen, never would he change.
she swore it was love, all it was was her mind lying to her.
Making her believe that they were wrong and she was right.
she never listened, she never noticed, she never believed them,
she should’ve listened, she should’ve noticed, she should’ve believed,
for now there isn’t a tomorrow, now there isn’t a chance to walk away,
for now she watches from above, wishing that she had listened,
wishing she had walked away, wishing that she saw what she thought was love wasn’t.
for now it was too late.

You sit there trying to figure out why you love that one person so much and then they do something that makes you smile or laugh & that’s when you know, you know that no matter how much you try and figure out how or why you love someone you’re never going to find the real answer, because it isn’t just one thing that makes you love them. it’s all the small things that you didn’t mattered…those things, those small things that make your heart pound in your chest and the butterflies in your stomach flutter they just let you know you love that person.

i just love you.

Lonely, yeah that’s the word
I leave my heart when I leave her
The days go on forever and the nights do too

One evening out on the road
A half a world away from home
I thought she was sleeping
When the call came through

I said, Darling, it’s late, is everything ok
Silence took over the room
Til she said

I… I just Love You
I Don’t Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I’m coming home soon
And I just love you too

Lonely lets me be
For a while she sets me free
I close my eyes and I dream of her

She’s lost in my arms
Her head on my heart
And softly she whispers the words

I…I just Love You
I Don’t Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I’m coming home soon
And I just love you too

I’ll never stop being amazed
How my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say

I, I just Love You
I Don’t Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I’m coming home soon
Cause I just love you too
- Adam Lambert

so take another sip of the alcohol,
let it take all the pain away,
but remember that tomorrow is just another day.

truth is it’s never going to be the same again.

i guess no matter how much you try to tell yourself that everything is okay or that it’ll pass, you can never help feeling down about the simplest things that don’t even matter.

English…

We were writing a feature article to help us with Austen and Weldon and i went up to Mrs Smith to show her my intro.
(Mrs Smith Reading. Me just standing there)
Mrs Smith: Did you copy this from the notes or write it yourself??
(The whole class is silent)
Me: Um, i wrote it.
Mrs Smith: Well its very good.
(The whole class burst out laughing)
Oh how i miss this

You can’t bring back the past & you can’t fast forward to the future, you just have to survive the present.

remind me again why im that girl??
the one who is always here for others?
the one who is always the ears and the shoulder for others to cry on?
remind me why its worth it,
remind me why it makes me a better person,
remind me that im not always like this…
please just remind me that everything will pass.

You held it in your eyes, so the world could see.

You held it in your heart, away from me.

You took a day, you took a year,

I wanted for you to rescue me.

I’m scared that it’s all in my head…
it seems to perfect to be real.
oh please be real.

You wake up the next morning and think it was all a dream, because it seems all to perfect for reality.

and that wave of emotion has made you lose your mind, you never know whats happening anymore.

...

It doesn't matter who you were in the past, the only thing that matters is who you are now.

<3

{{I didnt write this}}

Thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, in which I’ll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart. 

iloveyouNan!

Grief.

It was my heart that was affected the most. My mind still works the same, unaffected by past events. Everything still functions the same, even though the thoughts are there, the ones where I go to talk to you and I realise that you’re gone.


The grief isn’t a part of my mind; I don’t feel it there. It’s deep within my heart. Each time I see a photograph of you and I, or someone mentions your name, I can feel it, seeping up through the arteries of my pumping heart. Then, once the feeling of grief has come to the surface, I feel my heart explode shattering into a million pieces once again.

Time to say goodbye.

Written at the end of Year 12.

***

You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You try and hold in the noise that is threatening to escape from deep within your throat.

Your stomach is swirling, fear spreading through your entire body making you feel as though you’re going to vomit.

You can’t hear those words, the ones that everyone has been saying, because you’re scared you going to cry. You eyes become blurry as they fill with tears.
You swallow, hoping that it’ll rid away the noise in your throat and the tears in your eyes.

As you walk, slowly, step-by-step, around this place that you’ve come to every single day for the past six years, you know that there are others that feel the same way as you do.

As you share wacky stories and have unimaginable conversations with those your call you friends, you can’t help but let your mind slip to the thought that this could be it, that these moments are the last for awhile with the ones you’ve come to know so well and shared a huge part of your life with.

As the days come and go, much too fast, you try and cherish every single moment with those that are there going through the same experience as you.
The familiar will soon become the unfamiliar.

So you hold onto those special moments of laughter, those wild conversations about what the future holds, You take them and you bury them deep into your heart, where all you cherished moments are held. They will remain there forever, filed under ‘the best years’ of your life.

You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You stifle the noise in your throat. Your stomach swirls as fear spreads through your body. You can’t hear those words, because you’re scared you going to cry.

You force yourself to remember that these were best years of your life and it’s time to say goodbye.

On the other side.

I saw you. On the other side, I saw you. The side where dreams come true where everything is so white and perfect.

You were staring at me. My heart beat rhythmically in my chest, gently rising and falling with each breath. Your gaze was so loving, your hair so soft and perfect, just the way I like it.

As I step closer, craving your breath to touch my face, my hand rises to touch your cheek. Slowly my fingers brush along your skin yet with each touch of my fingertips you disappear. The beating of my heart increases, my mind spinning. Why was this happening?

I struggle to open my eyes. This had to be a dream; a nightmare. You couldn’t leave me, people didn’t just disappear. Not in the real world. I had only heard of it happening in dreams. I vaguely remember someone mentioning that it happens once you’re in heaven, once you accept that this is the end and your body releases your soul to the skies.

That’s when it hit me. This wasn’t just a dream, I wasn’t asleep, and I wasn’t even breathing anymore. I remember the hands that were wrapped around my throat, robbing my lungs of air. I remember your footsteps racing down the stairs to the room I was dying in. You tried with all your might to save me, but nothing helped.

Now my soul is floating further into heaven, towards the golden light. It stops just before it reaches the point of no return. Slowly, it turns back to face you, to see you standing over my lifeless body. It whispers something, so soft, so sweet and barely audible.

“I love you”

Realisation.

Written as a fan fiction for Sea Patrol

***

“She doesn’t say it very much” Nikki stood there staring out to sea, her breathing calm.

“Pardon?” Mike turn to the young woman, confusion evident in his eyes.

“Kate, She doesn’t it very much, that’s why when she says it she really means it.”

“I’m confused, Say what?” Nikki turned to look him in the eyes. The look in them was unfamiliar to Mike.

“I Love You” Mike breathed in deeply and shifted his gaze to the ocean.
Now he knew what that look was, she knew about the past. she knew that Mike broke Kate’s heart.

“Oh.” Mike mentally slapped himself. He should have stayed.

Kate had said that she loved him and he just left her. No explanation. Nothing.

Feeling Fear.

They happen for some unknown reason. Inspired by my friend on a school trip.

***

Sitting silently in the cold breeze, out on a clear winters day, her entire bodyshook; yet she couldn’t feel the cold. Her brain was on over drive and she didn’t know why.

Her heart pounded so fast in her chest, she didn’t know what to do.
There was a need to run, to get away to somewhere familiar where she could talk to someone other than those that constantly surrounded her.

She wanted answers; wanted her head to be clear.
She wanted to rid herself of this fear, of this uncontrollable feeling that rose in her whole body at the times she least expected.

She thought that everything was okay, maybe it wasn’t. All she really wanted was answers. Answers as to why her whole body filled with fear and what the triggers were.

She needed to know. It was important, so she could be a stronger person, not only for herself but also for the others around her.
For now she would just sit here and pray to God that it would pass soon and let others be the comforters.

Today wasn’t a day for answers; it was the day to work through this hurdle in her life; one that was becoming increasingly familiar; a hurdle that she never wanted to face again.

Regret.

I fall slowly to the ground and just lay there. My eyes become heavy and gradually, they slip shut.

The darkness becomes an overwhelming power that I can’t resist. Lying there, falling deeply into my eternal sleep, I can’t seem to remember that last important thought. The one my whole life depended on.

The clock keeps ticking and I’m slipping away, memories whirling around my head. Everything seems to come back to one memory, one person. Nikki.

Regret fills my thoughts. I waited too long to tell her how I felt. Now, it’s too late.

Love should always be enough.

She stood in the middle of the room, staring down at her hands, her blonde hair hanging loosely around her face. Whilst hidden, her eyes were clouded with sadness.

Her eyes didn’t leave her hands, even when he entered the room. Yet he stood there, watching her, preparing to be her support.

“Kate.”

The sudden noise made her jump and her eyes shot up to meet his. No emotion was present.

“I’m sorry.”

His heart raced, his mouth drying out as he waited for a reaction.

She shook her head, letting out a small noise, one that could be mistaken for a laugh. She didn’t believe him.

“Run away with me. Now. No one will have to know”

Desperation was evident in his voice.

“Why?”

He needed a good reason, one that she couldn’t resist, no matter how hard she tried.

“Because, love should always be enough.”

Crystal Tears.

Crystal Tears

One Heartbeat.

She stepped closer to the edge, the moon’s light reflecting off the grey, clouded water.

She could feel her own heart beat racing in her chest. She could hear the whispers, tormenting her. She closed her eyes.

A lone tear rolled down her cheek landing softly on her lips, the fine drop absorbed into the skin of her lip, leaving only a salty residue. The night around her was still. City lights glistered behind her. The pain was all too much to bare.

Someone whispered her name.

Slowly she opened her eyes. They were empty. Once they’d been so full of life. Now nothing.

She slowly turned to face him.

His whole body was so pale and lifeless, his face so sad. Something reflected off his face. A tear. Many tears. He was crying, crying for her. He pleaded for her not to do it.

Then he was gone in a heart beat.

She faced the water once more. Realising that he was never actually there. Only her imagination.

They had gotten worse. Her heart was ripping. Her fault. It was all her fault. He was dead.

She looked at her surroundings. Darkness. Silence. No one. Nothing.

She raised the black object to her head. Her grip tight. She whispered something,

“I’m sorry.”

Then all she could feel was the icy water. Then nothing. She fell into the clouded, murky, water below. All she could see was darkness. The darkness became an overwhelming wall of nothing. She slowly sank to the bottom, her feet pulling her down like lead.

She knew nothing, except now that it didn’t hurt anymore.

Scars.

Each scar tells a story.

The smaller scars, placed in many different places over my body tell of the time when I had the chicken pox and had to stay at home for a week. They wouldn’t have scared if I didn’t scratch.

The scar on my stomach tells the story of when I was a teenager and I was ironing my uniform for school. I was wearing my pyjama bottoms and a bra. I leaned too close to the ironing board and the hot metal of the iron burnt me.

The scar on my knuckle tells of the time when I was feeding my neighbours cat. My finger nicked the edge of the lid of the can. The sharp edge of the tin sliced the skin on my finger open.

The scar on my heart relays the story of how I fell in love, it tells all the details I don’t share with anyone. But most of all it tells how badly it got broken.

Some scars may fade until they are so light they are almost invisible, but some never fade. They will always be there as a reminder of what took place in our past.

Emotion

and that wave of emotion has made you lose your mind, you never know whats happening anymore.

Hoping.Wishing.Praying.

As the first blow finally hits you in the gut, the pain slowly rises to the surface. Crawling upon and grabbing at your skin.

You feel it, rising up, flooding and boiling in your veins. It’s hot. You don’t understand, no one ever explains.

Slowly and painfully, sneaking its way up through your chest, you can’t bare the feeling anymore.

Everything that you ever thought you were, everything you ever believed in, is no longer.
Eventually the pain reaches your heart. Stabbing, prodding, pounding and aching.

You find yourself unable to breath, unable to process anything at all. It’s all too unbearable. Your legs weaken; turning to liquid and you fall to the ground.

Everything else finally comes crashing down with you, hitting the ground hard.
Suddenly, the action that can no longer be ignored and the one that has been put off for the longest arises; filling your eyes and falling down your delicate cheeks onto your mouth so you can taste the saltiness of the tears. The tears that mean so much but mean so little.
Gently laying your body flat against the cold concrete floor, you close your eyes wishing for it all to end.

Wishing and hoping that tomorrow it’ll all go away. Praying with everything you have that you won’t survive another day.

The pain is all too familiar and way too much for you to handle. Laying there, mind working on over drive, thoughts of nothing and everything flying around at once, your whole body is numb, eventually you fall asleep hoping, wishing and praying this is the last time you’ll ever feel this way, but way down deep in your soul you know that it isn’t because this is the fifth time this week that this horrible, uncontrollable feeling has taken hold of you and brought you down.

hayleynewman

Writing Bug

one simple word sparks that writing bug.
i sit in my darkened bedroom in my pajamas with the ceiling fan going.
a word document open, tap tapping on the keyboard my fingers go.
words appear from nowhere, words that i wish & hope will spark some kind of emotion in the reader.
sometimes im afraid to post what i write, i fear judgment, i fear not know what people truly think, i fear fear itself.

Daddy's Little Girl.

Her little head poked around the corner of the white coloured door, the room that she was afraid to enter had fallen silent. Silent from the storm of hurtful words, silent from the sobbing of her mother.

Stood before her was her father, his shoulders were slouched, his face fallen forward. His white uniform was crumpled and untucked, an unusual occurrence. At times he was away for longer than she could count, when he returned everything was perfect. But this time, this time it was different.

This time, words flew around, bouncing of the white painted walls, but only when the world outside had fallen dark and all the creatures had fallen asleep. They only bounced around, hurting, when her parents thought that she was asleep in her big girls bed.

The sounds frightened her; they frightened her so much that she dug deep underneath her fairy printed sheets, hugging her closest friends tight close to her chest. She never understood what her mummy and daddy were saying, but she did know she didn’t like it nor did daddy.

It was always her mother’s voice she heard first, startling her from the sleepy state that grew over her as the day came to a close.

As she stood there at the door in the daylight, staring at her daddy, her little heart pounded in her chest. Sitting in front of her daddy sat a suitcase, big enough for her to fit into; it was the one they took on holidays when they went.

Slowly and silently she stumbled over to where he was sitting, as she reached him, his head slowly rose and she could see his eyes, they were sad and filled with water. She didn’t know why he was crying and she didn’t know they were going on a holiday, but she thought that her daddy would be happy, holidays were always fun.

“Daddy.” She looked at him quizzically.

“Yes Sweetie?”

“Are we going on holidays?” she asked him full of hope. His head shook.

“No Sweetie.”

“Then why is the bag out?” She turned her head from the bag to her father.

“Daddy- Daddy is going on a holiday by himself for a little while.”

“Can I come?”

“Not this time Sweetie.”

“But why? I want to go Daddy!! Please!” Her voice began to break, tears in her eyes started to fall. She didn’t understand why her daddy wasn’t taking her with him.

He looked up, his eyes searching out hers. His face was sad. He grabbed her little hand and held it in his.

“Sweetie, Mummy said that you have to stay here with her.” His voice was ever so soft.

“But I don’t want to stay with Mummy. Mummy’s being mean and yelling at you. I want to go with you!”

Her father slowly stood up, still holding her hand tightly in his. With the other he picked up the grey suitcase and started towards the front door. Passing through the lounge room she noticed her mother, turning her head she burrowed it into her father’s leg, hoping and praying that her Mummy wouldn’t see her.

As they reached the front door she felt her daddy’s hands picking her up and pulling her closer to his chest, he held her tight. She could feel his sobs uniting with her own, they stood there for what seemed like hours but was merely seconds, her father slowly pulled her away from his chest, kissed her on the head and whispered in her ear.

“Always remember that Daddy loves you. ”

As he gently put her on the ground and released his grip on her, she clung to his leg faster then she had ever done before. Soon enough she felt her mother’s hands wrap themselves around her and pick her off the floor, pulling her away from the man she loved so dearly.

As she watched her father walk away her cries became louder and more muffled by the sobbing.

“I waa-nt to go with dad –dy!”

Screaming louder she began kicking her mother, making her mother release the hold on her, running towards the door down the steps and out on the to foot path, falling to the ground crying she watched as her father walked away.

Daddy, daddy, don’t leave,
I’ll do anything to keep you,
Right here with me,
Can’t you see how much I need you.
Daddy, daddy, don’t leave,
Mummy’s saying things she don’t mean,
She don’t know what she’s talking about.
Somebody hear me out.

song: Dj Boonie - Daddy’s Little Girl.

Push Forward

Keep moving forward, for one day you will find what you were looking for all along. whether it be a place in the world, your life’s purpose, a special friendship or love. It’ll come in good time. so just push forward, no matter what stands in the middle of the road up ahead push past it, break down the barrier. Cause one day you will succeed, everything you ever wished for will be granted and all the pushing, all the tears and all the sweat will be all worth it.

One Moment, One Question, New Meaning.

This was that moment that was going to change her whole life.

Slowly she breathed deeply, closing her eyes and opening them again, making sure this wasn’t a dream; it wasn’t. Everything was the same as it was a second ago when her eyes closed.

She took another step, knowing that once this had been done she couldn’t ever turn back.

Slowly she raised her hand and knocked on the brown wooden door, the one that displayed the golden number nine.

Her heart raced, mind swirling with thoughts.

Behind the closed door she heard his foots steps. Slowly they got louder as he got closer.

‘You can’t turn back now’, she told her self, as she breathed deeply once more.

The door handle turned and the hinges squeaked as the door swung open. Before her stood her training officer, he looked different to how he did earlier that day when he asked her for a drink, she couldn’t work out what it was though then it suddenly sprung on her, he was out of the stiff white uniform that they had to wear.

He stood before her, staring, waiting.

“So um, I was thinking about what you asked me earlier” her heart raced in her chest, this was it no turning back.

“A drink would be good.”

He grinned at her, stepping aside so she could enter his version of living out of a suitcase.

As she stepped inside the dark mouldy room, the pounding in her chest eased ever so slightly.

No longer will he be just her lecturer and no longer would she just his student, from this moment they would be temporary lovers because the question of ‘would you like to grab a drink?’ no longer meant grabbing a drink at the local bar, but meant so much more.

H.newman.

i can remember every look etched upon your face, during the days that you grew.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve grown, Obviously. Yes i’ve gown Physically, but i think ive grown more mentally. I can say that im happy with the girl that i have become in the last two years.

I’ve never been one to step outside my ‘comfort zone’ and experience new things or to meet new people. I used silently blame the way my parents bought me up, i never showed it though. I always knew that admitting that was hard enough but to say it out loud to my parents, it would kill them.

The relationship i have with my parents is, i guess unique, in this decade especially. I grew up in a loving family, one that affection wasn’t something to be ashamed of. I guess i’m lucky, some people would kill for that. Some may think its weird or funny, but i don’t. I don’t care who sees me kiss my mum goodbye, or kiss and hug my grandfather hello. That’s who i am.

My years in primary school, involved only having a couple of friends. I guess i was bossy, aren’t most kids?? when people remind me of how i used to be in primary school, i when ever its mentioned, i go silent, regret flows up through my veins and overcomes me. i have to politely ask for them to not talk about it, because the truth is, im ashamed of who i was and who i could potentially be.

Primary School involved being bullied by the boys, fighting with the girls, and only wanting certain people around. I was bullied and i was a bully. It isnt something that im happy about and if i could go back to my 1997 kindergarten-self, i would.

i would tell her to be nice to everyone, not just the people that you are confortable around. Be nice to that girl on the bus who always smiles for no reason, don’t make her cry. Be nice to that boy in the year above reading his brand new book week book outside, don’t kick him in the back. I would make her listen, i would drill it into her head!

i would tell the 10yr old girl who is me, not to do things because she feels that’s what her ‘Bestfriend’ wants to see. I would tell her, just because people bully her, doesn’t give her any right at all to bully others.

I would tell the 12yr old, secluding the ‘new’ friend from the last couple of lunch times of Primary, that it isn’t right. That she too has feelings and you wouldn’t want to be treated that way.

High school bought new friendships, new adventures and many new lessons.My friendship group changed many times over the six years that i spent there.

I learnt who mattered & who didn’t. I learnt that no matter how much you want someone to be your friend, or to like you, that sometimes you had to let it go; it was never meant to be.
I stupidly ignored people that shouldn’t have been ignored. Became friends with some who i shouldn’t have - they didn’t make me do anything rebellious, but the influenced me in ways that mattered the most.

Friendships grew tighter, friendships drifted apart. it always hurt me, when that happened, but now, now i know it was never meant to be, & it’s for the better. Im a better person for letting the drift.

The last two years of high school, would’ve been my best years at high school. Senior Years. Yr 11 & 12. The work  load was shit, but the friendships, Adventures & moments they were what made it what it was.

The friends that matter are still with me, the ones that don’t aren’t. These days i don’t care that my friendship isn’t huge, that we weren’t the ‘popular’ ones, i don’t care that some may think of us as weird cause we have fun and that matters most.

looking back at the past twelve years, even though there are regrets, wishes, dreams and wonder, i can finally say that with closing that chapter of my life, I’m happy with who i left it as.

Me.

take me back there.

Take me back to that time, when boys had cooties, when the streets were safe, when everything was good,when worry was only for my parents, when boys were just people, when i only knew what loving your family was,
Take me back to the time when i was younger {&&} when my friends were still the same {&& } didnt change, everything was simple, none of your close friends ignored you, when you would hang out on the weekends together.
please, just take me back!

Fuzzy little feelings

i just love those little moments, when someone leaves you a message, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The ones that make you realise that no matter how much crap there is, you wouldn’t change your life for anything!

Holding on

I’m just Holding on, Just holding on tight, like its a bad dream.
where my fears come reality and try to swallow me whole.
where my heart pounds in my chest, hard and fast.
where the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall delicately down my face.
its like a bad dream where my knees go week,
where my stomach swells roughly like the ocean on a cold stormy night.
I’m just Holding on, Just holding on tight, like it’s a bad dream.

h.newman

That Moment.

That moment when i cried,
That moment when i revealed that i broke that brick wall,
That moment when everyone was silent,
Those small moments of friendship,
Those moments playing with the kids,
Those moments when the kids laughed,
Those moments when the leaders made me laugh,
they were moments that made up the best experience of my life.

the tears fall down my face

these are feelings that can’t be replaced.
i can’t see anything more, my vision blurred.
my hearts breaking, bleeding through my body.
as the tears fall down my face, showing the feelings that can’t be replaced.

Anywhere but here

A tear. A drop. A sob.

He wasn’t sure where it came from. Somewhere deep within he supposed. The feeling in his chest became sharper. His legs became weak, unsupportive.

More tears were cascading down his face. Another sob. This time louder.

His mind all foggy, unclear as to what was happening. One moment his hand felt the warmth of hers, then the next it was cold. The wind blew. The autumn leaves rustling.

A raindrop. A puddle. Thunder.

His tears muddled with the rain. His heart ached. The onlookers rushed for cover, not wanting to get wet. The delicate petals of the roses were drowning.

Thunder. Guns shots. Screams.

The fog in his mind clearing. The visions of yesterday becoming clearer. The shots and her screams filled his ears. The image of her body falling filled his eyes. The warmth of her blood covered his hands. The taste of her lips filling his mouth.

Love. Laughter. Life.

The memory of her was too painful. The desire to be next to her was unbearable. His mind full of visions. Sounds. Touch. Taste. Feeling. His heart screamed. He wanted out. He wanted anything but to be here. He wanted her.

A gun shot. A scream. Nothing.

h.newman

A Moment in time

You felt his hand snake around your neck, pulling your face closer to his.
You know this isn’t want you want.
All your senses are screaming no!
Your heart pounds in your chest so fast it feels as though its going to explode.
He pulls his lips up to yours; you can feel his breath upon your skin.
They feel all scaly and dry.
As he opens his mouth and pushes against your lips,
Your head is spinning; this isn’t what you want.
You want it to stop, he won’t.
Finally letting go and letting him in, you feel you lips part,
Meeting his, one moment it’s just his lips you can feel, the next it’s his tongue.
At that moment it’s all too much for you and you pull away, much to his disgust.
You hear him sigh and you can’t look him in the eye.
Slowly, you rise to your feet.
Feeling sightly dizzy, you walk away.
Out of his life.
You don’t turn back, everything that ever was,
Will never be again.

All she knows is self harm

(blast from the past)


The blood ran down her arm, gently it fell from her skin silently to the ground. This is only the beginning. She has so much pain, so much anger. Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why don’t they care?
She’s just like anyone else, she too needs to be loved. The blood has stopped; she grabs the glass and starts slashing at her skin. The pain so icy and sharp. Each day she cries when she gets home.
So much for friends; there liars, bitches, backstabbers. There all they same, they don’t care about her, let alone her feelings. They told the teacher about her slashed wrists; backstabbers. She locked herself in the toilet; they told. Bitches.
Memories reeling, through her messed up mind. She wants to leave forever, she needs to leave. Running out of the toilet through the cold bitter rain, everyone staring at her; like she was some kind of alien. Her hair blurring her vision and her clothes wet, make up running down her face. There were footsteps trudging after her, “fuck off” she yelled behind her. She ran on through the rain, the clouds were dark, kind of like her soul, her past; never wanting to return to it. She ran until she could no longer run.
Just standing there in the rain, whimpering, they soon caught up. The teacher and her so-called friend, the others didn’t come, why? Her friend wrapped her arms around her fragile body; the poor innocent young girl. “Let me go, why can’t you let me be free!” She fell to her knees crying, her friend falling with her. The teacher looked on at the. Young girls. “Let me be free, please,” “ you are free forever” She was Free

unexplained moments of saddness.

My mum asked me if i was okay, i said yes, she moved quietly and quickly to where i was standing, wrapped her arms around me, hugged me and told me she loved me.
I walked into my darkened bedroom, closed the door, stood still and waited till her footsteps faded and cried.

why is being angry and annoyed at you hurting me so much?
you dont even know the way im feeling, and i can’t tell you. there’s too much going on in your life for me to tell you, i dont want to hurt your feelings. and i can’t tell you because i dont know why i feel this way.

hold onto me...please?

Can you walk through my door this very moment.
Look me in the eye & take the few steps that stand between us,
lift my head with you hand, and then wrap your arms around me.
Holding me tight, pick me up and carry me over to the bed and just hold me.
hold me and let me cry, let me know that everything will be alright.
let me know that i’m going to be alright.
please?

Words full of anger!

it didn’t hurt me you know. You not looking at me, didn’t hurt me. For as long as i can remember you haven’t been apart of my life. It makes no difference to me, I have no memory of you being the grandfather that you used to be. Yes i would probably be a much different person if you were the present in my teenage life, but im me, and im like this because of the people who aren’t gutless, who aren’t arseholes, who love me and who gives a shit about me and my family. I didn’t hurt me, i kind of expected it. I may be sad when you pass away, but for now i don’t really give a shit about you and your life.
admittedly it did hurt the first time, but not the second or the third and it won’t for the forth because that’s who you are, and who you have always been. you can’t stand others feelings apart from yours.
Sometime i think that if you weren’t with ‘dragon’ then you would be the person you should be. My grandfather.
it didn’t hurt && i don’t care.

Poem for a dancer.

She Dances,

Footsteps like raindrops.

Her mind freely dancing,

Twirling and Curling.

She dances for everything she has,

Her heart and soul.

Dancing across the sky,

She’s a little Ballerina.

Her Daddy watches,

She’s his little Angel

She can do no Wrong.

When she’s dancing

Dancing, Curling and Twirling,

For everything she has.

Her heart, mind and soul.

She’s her daddy’s little Angel.

-h.newman

Love and Tears.

He stepped closer to the door that was shutting the rest of the world off from the darkened room. His shoulders slouched, eyes to the floor, heart racing.
He raised his head, slowly turning, observing the sleeping figure that lay in the bed behind him.

Breathing deeper, letting a small sound escape from the confines of his throat, he turned back to the door, hand reaching for the handle.

Slowly and quietly he turned it and as he did so, he felt something wet fall down his face. He never cried.

He knew this meant something and maybe some day it’ll come back and haunt him, but for now he would ignore the tears and the love he expressed for this sleeping woman, he would ignore them and leave.

He closed the door behind him, now shutting himself and the whole world off from the darkened room, which contained a beautiful sleeping woman.


-h.newman

As the world falls asleep

The sun is falling just beyond the horizon,
i glance out of my bedroom window, observing this place i call my home.
My eyes wander to the distance, the trees are black, silhouetted against the beautiful sky.
The one that is slowly falling sleepier into darkness, the sky has the colours of orange, yellow and blue all blurred together.
My breathing is steady, my heart beat normal, a feeling creeps up through my body, a feeling of calmness, a feeling of peace.
The feeling reasures me that everything that ive felt in the past few days is only a mere hurdle, a complication that will soon disappear, my life will feel whole once again.
one day.

Hanging Heart

As the blood drips, From this heart.
A tear drips from my eye, They crash together on the concrete.
The clear tear turns red, Staining the surface of the earth.
The heart so broken, So fragile & lonely.
No one knows why its broken, No one knows where it belongs.
So many places, So many people. So many hearts, That have been broken.
But not as harsh as this one, This is the heart of a young girl.
One the now knows no pain, One that will never love again.
The blood drips, The tear falls.

-h.newman

Crystal Glass Girl

Her crystal eyes started to water,
From the incredible amount of pain you gave her.
She’s that unmistakable angel,
The one that silently stands.

Her tears drop to the ground,
They smash like glass on the concrete.
Her whole life a whirlpool of memories,
Some she doesn’t want to remember.

She goes unnoticed,
Her blonde hair hangs low.
No shoes on her feet,
She’s that crystal glass girl.

The white dress that she never removes,
Has a mark on it,
From the days of yesteryear
Reminds her of the memories she doesn’t want to know.

She’s that crystal glass girl,
With the blonde hair and the white stained dress.
Her tears are like glass when they fall and hit the ground.
She’s that crystal glass girl that nobody knows.

-h.newman