It was my heart that was affected the most. My mind still works the same, unaffected by past events. Everything still functions the same, even though the thoughts are there, the ones where I go to talk to you and I realise that you’re gone.
The grief isn’t a part of my mind; I don’t feel it there. It’s deep within my heart. Each time I see a photograph of you and I, or someone mentions your name, I can feel it, seeping up through the arteries of my pumping heart. Then, once the feeling of grief has come to the surface, I feel my heart explode shattering into a million pieces once again.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Time to say goodbye.
Written at the end of Year 12.
You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You stifle the noise in your throat. Your stomach swirls as fear spreads through your body. You can’t hear those words, because you’re scared you going to cry.
You force yourself to remember that these were best years of your life and it’s time to say goodbye.
***
You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You try and hold in the noise that is threatening to escape from deep within your throat.
Your stomach is swirling, fear spreading through your entire body making you feel as though you’re going to vomit.
You can’t hear those words, the ones that everyone has been saying, because you’re scared you going to cry. You eyes become blurry as they fill with tears.
You swallow, hoping that it’ll rid away the noise in your throat and the tears in your eyes.
As you walk, slowly, step-by-step, around this place that you’ve come to every single day for the past six years, you know that there are others that feel the same way as you do.
As you share wacky stories and have unimaginable conversations with those your call you friends, you can’t help but let your mind slip to the thought that this could be it, that these moments are the last for awhile with the ones you’ve come to know so well and shared a huge part of your life with.
As the days come and go, much too fast, you try and cherish every single moment with those that are there going through the same experience as you.
The familiar will soon become the unfamiliar.
So you hold onto those special moments of laughter, those wild conversations about what the future holds, You take them and you bury them deep into your heart, where all you cherished moments are held. They will remain there forever, filed under ‘the best years’ of your life.
Your stomach is swirling, fear spreading through your entire body making you feel as though you’re going to vomit.
You can’t hear those words, the ones that everyone has been saying, because you’re scared you going to cry. You eyes become blurry as they fill with tears.
You swallow, hoping that it’ll rid away the noise in your throat and the tears in your eyes.
As you walk, slowly, step-by-step, around this place that you’ve come to every single day for the past six years, you know that there are others that feel the same way as you do.
As you share wacky stories and have unimaginable conversations with those your call you friends, you can’t help but let your mind slip to the thought that this could be it, that these moments are the last for awhile with the ones you’ve come to know so well and shared a huge part of your life with.
As the days come and go, much too fast, you try and cherish every single moment with those that are there going through the same experience as you.
The familiar will soon become the unfamiliar.
So you hold onto those special moments of laughter, those wild conversations about what the future holds, You take them and you bury them deep into your heart, where all you cherished moments are held. They will remain there forever, filed under ‘the best years’ of your life.
You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You stifle the noise in your throat. Your stomach swirls as fear spreads through your body. You can’t hear those words, because you’re scared you going to cry.
You force yourself to remember that these were best years of your life and it’s time to say goodbye.
On the other side.
I saw you. On the other side, I saw you. The side where dreams come true where everything is so white and perfect.
You were staring at me. My heart beat rhythmically in my chest, gently rising and falling with each breath. Your gaze was so loving, your hair so soft and perfect, just the way I like it.
As I step closer, craving your breath to touch my face, my hand rises to touch your cheek. Slowly my fingers brush along your skin yet with each touch of my fingertips you disappear. The beating of my heart increases, my mind spinning. Why was this happening?
I struggle to open my eyes. This had to be a dream; a nightmare. You couldn’t leave me, people didn’t just disappear. Not in the real world. I had only heard of it happening in dreams. I vaguely remember someone mentioning that it happens once you’re in heaven, once you accept that this is the end and your body releases your soul to the skies.
That’s when it hit me. This wasn’t just a dream, I wasn’t asleep, and I wasn’t even breathing anymore. I remember the hands that were wrapped around my throat, robbing my lungs of air. I remember your footsteps racing down the stairs to the room I was dying in. You tried with all your might to save me, but nothing helped.
Now my soul is floating further into heaven, towards the golden light. It stops just before it reaches the point of no return. Slowly, it turns back to face you, to see you standing over my lifeless body. It whispers something, so soft, so sweet and barely audible.
“I love you”
Realisation.
Written as a fan fiction for Sea Patrol
***
“She doesn’t say it very much” Nikki stood there staring out to sea, her breathing calm.
“Pardon?” Mike turn to the young woman, confusion evident in his eyes.
“Kate, She doesn’t it very much, that’s why when she says it she really means it.”
“I’m confused, Say what?” Nikki turned to look him in the eyes. The look in them was unfamiliar to Mike.
“I Love You” Mike breathed in deeply and shifted his gaze to the ocean.
Now he knew what that look was, she knew about the past. she knew that Mike broke Kate’s heart.
“Oh.” Mike mentally slapped himself. He should have stayed.
Kate had said that she loved him and he just left her. No explanation. Nothing.
***
“She doesn’t say it very much” Nikki stood there staring out to sea, her breathing calm.
“Pardon?” Mike turn to the young woman, confusion evident in his eyes.
“Kate, She doesn’t it very much, that’s why when she says it she really means it.”
“I’m confused, Say what?” Nikki turned to look him in the eyes. The look in them was unfamiliar to Mike.
“I Love You” Mike breathed in deeply and shifted his gaze to the ocean.
Now he knew what that look was, she knew about the past. she knew that Mike broke Kate’s heart.
“Oh.” Mike mentally slapped himself. He should have stayed.
Kate had said that she loved him and he just left her. No explanation. Nothing.
Feeling Fear.
They happen for some unknown reason. Inspired by my friend on a school trip.
Sitting silently in the cold breeze, out on a clear winters day, her entire bodyshook; yet she couldn’t feel the cold. Her brain was on over drive and she didn’t know why.
Her heart pounded so fast in her chest, she didn’t know what to do.
There was a need to run, to get away to somewhere familiar where she could talk to someone other than those that constantly surrounded her.
She wanted answers; wanted her head to be clear.
She wanted to rid herself of this fear, of this uncontrollable feeling that rose in her whole body at the times she least expected.
She thought that everything was okay, maybe it wasn’t. All she really wanted was answers. Answers as to why her whole body filled with fear and what the triggers were.
She needed to know. It was important, so she could be a stronger person, not only for herself but also for the others around her.
For now she would just sit here and pray to God that it would pass soon and let others be the comforters.
Today wasn’t a day for answers; it was the day to work through this hurdle in her life; one that was becoming increasingly familiar; a hurdle that she never wanted to face again.
***
Her heart pounded so fast in her chest, she didn’t know what to do.
There was a need to run, to get away to somewhere familiar where she could talk to someone other than those that constantly surrounded her.
She wanted answers; wanted her head to be clear.
She wanted to rid herself of this fear, of this uncontrollable feeling that rose in her whole body at the times she least expected.
She thought that everything was okay, maybe it wasn’t. All she really wanted was answers. Answers as to why her whole body filled with fear and what the triggers were.
She needed to know. It was important, so she could be a stronger person, not only for herself but also for the others around her.
For now she would just sit here and pray to God that it would pass soon and let others be the comforters.
Today wasn’t a day for answers; it was the day to work through this hurdle in her life; one that was becoming increasingly familiar; a hurdle that she never wanted to face again.
Regret.
I fall slowly to the ground and just lay there. My eyes become heavy and gradually, they slip shut.
The darkness becomes an overwhelming power that I can’t resist. Lying there, falling deeply into my eternal sleep, I can’t seem to remember that last important thought. The one my whole life depended on.
The clock keeps ticking and I’m slipping away, memories whirling around my head. Everything seems to come back to one memory, one person. Nikki.
Regret fills my thoughts. I waited too long to tell her how I felt. Now, it’s too late.
The darkness becomes an overwhelming power that I can’t resist. Lying there, falling deeply into my eternal sleep, I can’t seem to remember that last important thought. The one my whole life depended on.
The clock keeps ticking and I’m slipping away, memories whirling around my head. Everything seems to come back to one memory, one person. Nikki.
Regret fills my thoughts. I waited too long to tell her how I felt. Now, it’s too late.
Love should always be enough.
She stood in the middle of the room, staring down at her hands, her blonde hair hanging loosely around her face. Whilst hidden, her eyes were clouded with sadness.
Her eyes didn’t leave her hands, even when he entered the room. Yet he stood there, watching her, preparing to be her support.
“Kate.”
The sudden noise made her jump and her eyes shot up to meet his. No emotion was present.
“I’m sorry.”
His heart raced, his mouth drying out as he waited for a reaction.
She shook her head, letting out a small noise, one that could be mistaken for a laugh. She didn’t believe him.
“Run away with me. Now. No one will have to know”
Desperation was evident in his voice.
“Why?”
He needed a good reason, one that she couldn’t resist, no matter how hard she tried.
“Because, love should always be enough.”
Her eyes didn’t leave her hands, even when he entered the room. Yet he stood there, watching her, preparing to be her support.
“Kate.”
The sudden noise made her jump and her eyes shot up to meet his. No emotion was present.
“I’m sorry.”
His heart raced, his mouth drying out as he waited for a reaction.
She shook her head, letting out a small noise, one that could be mistaken for a laugh. She didn’t believe him.
“Run away with me. Now. No one will have to know”
Desperation was evident in his voice.
“Why?”
He needed a good reason, one that she couldn’t resist, no matter how hard she tried.
“Because, love should always be enough.”
One Heartbeat.
She stepped closer to the edge, the moon’s light reflecting off the grey, clouded water.
She could feel her own heart beat racing in her chest. She could hear the whispers, tormenting her. She closed her eyes.
A lone tear rolled down her cheek landing softly on her lips, the fine drop absorbed into the skin of her lip, leaving only a salty residue. The night around her was still. City lights glistered behind her. The pain was all too much to bare.
Someone whispered her name.
Slowly she opened her eyes. They were empty. Once they’d been so full of life. Now nothing.
She slowly turned to face him.
His whole body was so pale and lifeless, his face so sad. Something reflected off his face. A tear. Many tears. He was crying, crying for her. He pleaded for her not to do it.
Then he was gone in a heart beat.
She faced the water once more. Realising that he was never actually there. Only her imagination.
They had gotten worse. Her heart was ripping. Her fault. It was all her fault. He was dead.
She looked at her surroundings. Darkness. Silence. No one. Nothing.
She raised the black object to her head. Her grip tight. She whispered something,
“I’m sorry.”
Then all she could feel was the icy water. Then nothing. She fell into the clouded, murky, water below. All she could see was darkness. The darkness became an overwhelming wall of nothing. She slowly sank to the bottom, her feet pulling her down like lead.
She knew nothing, except now that it didn’t hurt anymore.
Scars.
Each scar tells a story.
The smaller scars, placed in many different places over my body tell of the time when I had the chicken pox and had to stay at home for a week. They wouldn’t have scared if I didn’t scratch.
The scar on my stomach tells the story of when I was a teenager and I was ironing my uniform for school. I was wearing my pyjama bottoms and a bra. I leaned too close to the ironing board and the hot metal of the iron burnt me.
The scar on my knuckle tells of the time when I was feeding my neighbours cat. My finger nicked the edge of the lid of the can. The sharp edge of the tin sliced the skin on my finger open.
The scar on my heart relays the story of how I fell in love, it tells all the details I don’t share with anyone. But most of all it tells how badly it got broken.
Some scars may fade until they are so light they are almost invisible, but some never fade. They will always be there as a reminder of what took place in our past.
Emotion
and that wave of emotion has made you lose your mind, you never know whats happening anymore.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Hoping.Wishing.Praying.
As the first blow finally hits you in the gut, the pain slowly rises to the surface. Crawling upon and grabbing at your skin.
You feel it, rising up, flooding and boiling in your veins. It’s hot. You don’t understand, no one ever explains.
Slowly and painfully, sneaking its way up through your chest, you can’t bare the feeling anymore.
Everything that you ever thought you were, everything you ever believed in, is no longer.
Eventually the pain reaches your heart. Stabbing, prodding, pounding and aching.
You find yourself unable to breath, unable to process anything at all. It’s all too unbearable. Your legs weaken; turning to liquid and you fall to the ground.
Everything else finally comes crashing down with you, hitting the ground hard.
Suddenly, the action that can no longer be ignored and the one that has been put off for the longest arises; filling your eyes and falling down your delicate cheeks onto your mouth so you can taste the saltiness of the tears. The tears that mean so much but mean so little.
Gently laying your body flat against the cold concrete floor, you close your eyes wishing for it all to end.
Wishing and hoping that tomorrow it’ll all go away. Praying with everything you have that you won’t survive another day.
The pain is all too familiar and way too much for you to handle. Laying there, mind working on over drive, thoughts of nothing and everything flying around at once, your whole body is numb, eventually you fall asleep hoping, wishing and praying this is the last time you’ll ever feel this way, but way down deep in your soul you know that it isn’t because this is the fifth time this week that this horrible, uncontrollable feeling has taken hold of you and brought you down.
hayleynewman
You feel it, rising up, flooding and boiling in your veins. It’s hot. You don’t understand, no one ever explains.
Slowly and painfully, sneaking its way up through your chest, you can’t bare the feeling anymore.
Everything that you ever thought you were, everything you ever believed in, is no longer.
Eventually the pain reaches your heart. Stabbing, prodding, pounding and aching.
You find yourself unable to breath, unable to process anything at all. It’s all too unbearable. Your legs weaken; turning to liquid and you fall to the ground.
Everything else finally comes crashing down with you, hitting the ground hard.
Suddenly, the action that can no longer be ignored and the one that has been put off for the longest arises; filling your eyes and falling down your delicate cheeks onto your mouth so you can taste the saltiness of the tears. The tears that mean so much but mean so little.
Gently laying your body flat against the cold concrete floor, you close your eyes wishing for it all to end.
Wishing and hoping that tomorrow it’ll all go away. Praying with everything you have that you won’t survive another day.
The pain is all too familiar and way too much for you to handle. Laying there, mind working on over drive, thoughts of nothing and everything flying around at once, your whole body is numb, eventually you fall asleep hoping, wishing and praying this is the last time you’ll ever feel this way, but way down deep in your soul you know that it isn’t because this is the fifth time this week that this horrible, uncontrollable feeling has taken hold of you and brought you down.
hayleynewman
Writing Bug
one simple word sparks that writing bug.
i sit in my darkened bedroom in my pajamas with the ceiling fan going.
a word document open, tap tapping on the keyboard my fingers go.
words appear from nowhere, words that i wish & hope will spark some kind of emotion in the reader.
sometimes im afraid to post what i write, i fear judgment, i fear not know what people truly think, i fear fear itself.
i sit in my darkened bedroom in my pajamas with the ceiling fan going.
a word document open, tap tapping on the keyboard my fingers go.
words appear from nowhere, words that i wish & hope will spark some kind of emotion in the reader.
sometimes im afraid to post what i write, i fear judgment, i fear not know what people truly think, i fear fear itself.
Daddy's Little Girl.
Her little head poked around the corner of the white coloured door, the room that she was afraid to enter had fallen silent. Silent from the storm of hurtful words, silent from the sobbing of her mother.
Stood before her was her father, his shoulders were slouched, his face fallen forward. His white uniform was crumpled and untucked, an unusual occurrence. At times he was away for longer than she could count, when he returned everything was perfect. But this time, this time it was different.
This time, words flew around, bouncing of the white painted walls, but only when the world outside had fallen dark and all the creatures had fallen asleep. They only bounced around, hurting, when her parents thought that she was asleep in her big girls bed.
The sounds frightened her; they frightened her so much that she dug deep underneath her fairy printed sheets, hugging her closest friends tight close to her chest. She never understood what her mummy and daddy were saying, but she did know she didn’t like it nor did daddy.
It was always her mother’s voice she heard first, startling her from the sleepy state that grew over her as the day came to a close.
As she stood there at the door in the daylight, staring at her daddy, her little heart pounded in her chest. Sitting in front of her daddy sat a suitcase, big enough for her to fit into; it was the one they took on holidays when they went.
Slowly and silently she stumbled over to where he was sitting, as she reached him, his head slowly rose and she could see his eyes, they were sad and filled with water. She didn’t know why he was crying and she didn’t know they were going on a holiday, but she thought that her daddy would be happy, holidays were always fun.
“Daddy.” She looked at him quizzically.
“Yes Sweetie?”
“Are we going on holidays?” she asked him full of hope. His head shook.
“No Sweetie.”
“Then why is the bag out?” She turned her head from the bag to her father.
“Daddy- Daddy is going on a holiday by himself for a little while.”
“Can I come?”
“Not this time Sweetie.”
“But why? I want to go Daddy!! Please!” Her voice began to break, tears in her eyes started to fall. She didn’t understand why her daddy wasn’t taking her with him.
He looked up, his eyes searching out hers. His face was sad. He grabbed her little hand and held it in his.
“Sweetie, Mummy said that you have to stay here with her.” His voice was ever so soft.
“But I don’t want to stay with Mummy. Mummy’s being mean and yelling at you. I want to go with you!”
Her father slowly stood up, still holding her hand tightly in his. With the other he picked up the grey suitcase and started towards the front door. Passing through the lounge room she noticed her mother, turning her head she burrowed it into her father’s leg, hoping and praying that her Mummy wouldn’t see her.
As they reached the front door she felt her daddy’s hands picking her up and pulling her closer to his chest, he held her tight. She could feel his sobs uniting with her own, they stood there for what seemed like hours but was merely seconds, her father slowly pulled her away from his chest, kissed her on the head and whispered in her ear.
“Always remember that Daddy loves you. ”
As he gently put her on the ground and released his grip on her, she clung to his leg faster then she had ever done before. Soon enough she felt her mother’s hands wrap themselves around her and pick her off the floor, pulling her away from the man she loved so dearly.
As she watched her father walk away her cries became louder and more muffled by the sobbing.
“I waa-nt to go with dad –dy!”
Screaming louder she began kicking her mother, making her mother release the hold on her, running towards the door down the steps and out on the to foot path, falling to the ground crying she watched as her father walked away.
Daddy, daddy, don’t leave,
I’ll do anything to keep you,
Right here with me,
Can’t you see how much I need you.
Daddy, daddy, don’t leave,
Mummy’s saying things she don’t mean,
She don’t know what she’s talking about.
Somebody hear me out.
song: Dj Boonie - Daddy’s Little Girl.
Stood before her was her father, his shoulders were slouched, his face fallen forward. His white uniform was crumpled and untucked, an unusual occurrence. At times he was away for longer than she could count, when he returned everything was perfect. But this time, this time it was different.
This time, words flew around, bouncing of the white painted walls, but only when the world outside had fallen dark and all the creatures had fallen asleep. They only bounced around, hurting, when her parents thought that she was asleep in her big girls bed.
The sounds frightened her; they frightened her so much that she dug deep underneath her fairy printed sheets, hugging her closest friends tight close to her chest. She never understood what her mummy and daddy were saying, but she did know she didn’t like it nor did daddy.
It was always her mother’s voice she heard first, startling her from the sleepy state that grew over her as the day came to a close.
As she stood there at the door in the daylight, staring at her daddy, her little heart pounded in her chest. Sitting in front of her daddy sat a suitcase, big enough for her to fit into; it was the one they took on holidays when they went.
Slowly and silently she stumbled over to where he was sitting, as she reached him, his head slowly rose and she could see his eyes, they were sad and filled with water. She didn’t know why he was crying and she didn’t know they were going on a holiday, but she thought that her daddy would be happy, holidays were always fun.
“Daddy.” She looked at him quizzically.
“Yes Sweetie?”
“Are we going on holidays?” she asked him full of hope. His head shook.
“No Sweetie.”
“Then why is the bag out?” She turned her head from the bag to her father.
“Daddy- Daddy is going on a holiday by himself for a little while.”
“Can I come?”
“Not this time Sweetie.”
“But why? I want to go Daddy!! Please!” Her voice began to break, tears in her eyes started to fall. She didn’t understand why her daddy wasn’t taking her with him.
He looked up, his eyes searching out hers. His face was sad. He grabbed her little hand and held it in his.
“Sweetie, Mummy said that you have to stay here with her.” His voice was ever so soft.
“But I don’t want to stay with Mummy. Mummy’s being mean and yelling at you. I want to go with you!”
Her father slowly stood up, still holding her hand tightly in his. With the other he picked up the grey suitcase and started towards the front door. Passing through the lounge room she noticed her mother, turning her head she burrowed it into her father’s leg, hoping and praying that her Mummy wouldn’t see her.
As they reached the front door she felt her daddy’s hands picking her up and pulling her closer to his chest, he held her tight. She could feel his sobs uniting with her own, they stood there for what seemed like hours but was merely seconds, her father slowly pulled her away from his chest, kissed her on the head and whispered in her ear.
“Always remember that Daddy loves you. ”
As he gently put her on the ground and released his grip on her, she clung to his leg faster then she had ever done before. Soon enough she felt her mother’s hands wrap themselves around her and pick her off the floor, pulling her away from the man she loved so dearly.
As she watched her father walk away her cries became louder and more muffled by the sobbing.
“I waa-nt to go with dad –dy!”
Screaming louder she began kicking her mother, making her mother release the hold on her, running towards the door down the steps and out on the to foot path, falling to the ground crying she watched as her father walked away.
Daddy, daddy, don’t leave,
I’ll do anything to keep you,
Right here with me,
Can’t you see how much I need you.
Daddy, daddy, don’t leave,
Mummy’s saying things she don’t mean,
She don’t know what she’s talking about.
Somebody hear me out.
song: Dj Boonie - Daddy’s Little Girl.
Push Forward
Keep moving forward, for one day you will find what you were looking for all along. whether it be a place in the world, your life’s purpose, a special friendship or love. It’ll come in good time. so just push forward, no matter what stands in the middle of the road up ahead push past it, break down the barrier. Cause one day you will succeed, everything you ever wished for will be granted and all the pushing, all the tears and all the sweat will be all worth it.
One Moment, One Question, New Meaning.
This was that moment that was going to change her whole life.
Slowly she breathed deeply, closing her eyes and opening them again, making sure this wasn’t a dream; it wasn’t. Everything was the same as it was a second ago when her eyes closed.
She took another step, knowing that once this had been done she couldn’t ever turn back.
Slowly she raised her hand and knocked on the brown wooden door, the one that displayed the golden number nine.
Her heart raced, mind swirling with thoughts.
Behind the closed door she heard his foots steps. Slowly they got louder as he got closer.
‘You can’t turn back now’, she told her self, as she breathed deeply once more.
The door handle turned and the hinges squeaked as the door swung open. Before her stood her training officer, he looked different to how he did earlier that day when he asked her for a drink, she couldn’t work out what it was though then it suddenly sprung on her, he was out of the stiff white uniform that they had to wear.
He stood before her, staring, waiting.
“So um, I was thinking about what you asked me earlier” her heart raced in her chest, this was it no turning back.
“A drink would be good.”
He grinned at her, stepping aside so she could enter his version of living out of a suitcase.
As she stepped inside the dark mouldy room, the pounding in her chest eased ever so slightly.
No longer will he be just her lecturer and no longer would she just his student, from this moment they would be temporary lovers because the question of ‘would you like to grab a drink?’ no longer meant grabbing a drink at the local bar, but meant so much more.
H.newman.
i can remember every look etched upon your face, during the days that you grew.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve grown, Obviously. Yes i’ve gown Physically, but i think ive grown more mentally. I can say that im happy with the girl that i have become in the last two years.
I’ve never been one to step outside my ‘comfort zone’ and experience new things or to meet new people. I used silently blame the way my parents bought me up, i never showed it though. I always knew that admitting that was hard enough but to say it out loud to my parents, it would kill them.
The relationship i have with my parents is, i guess unique, in this decade especially. I grew up in a loving family, one that affection wasn’t something to be ashamed of. I guess i’m lucky, some people would kill for that. Some may think its weird or funny, but i don’t. I don’t care who sees me kiss my mum goodbye, or kiss and hug my grandfather hello. That’s who i am.
My years in primary school, involved only having a couple of friends. I guess i was bossy, aren’t most kids?? when people remind me of how i used to be in primary school, i when ever its mentioned, i go silent, regret flows up through my veins and overcomes me. i have to politely ask for them to not talk about it, because the truth is, im ashamed of who i was and who i could potentially be.
Primary School involved being bullied by the boys, fighting with the girls, and only wanting certain people around. I was bullied and i was a bully. It isnt something that im happy about and if i could go back to my 1997 kindergarten-self, i would.
i would tell her to be nice to everyone, not just the people that you are confortable around. Be nice to that girl on the bus who always smiles for no reason, don’t make her cry. Be nice to that boy in the year above reading his brand new book week book outside, don’t kick him in the back. I would make her listen, i would drill it into her head!
i would tell the 10yr old girl who is me, not to do things because she feels that’s what her ‘Bestfriend’ wants to see. I would tell her, just because people bully her, doesn’t give her any right at all to bully others.
I would tell the 12yr old, secluding the ‘new’ friend from the last couple of lunch times of Primary, that it isn’t right. That she too has feelings and you wouldn’t want to be treated that way.
High school bought new friendships, new adventures and many new lessons.My friendship group changed many times over the six years that i spent there.
I learnt who mattered & who didn’t. I learnt that no matter how much you want someone to be your friend, or to like you, that sometimes you had to let it go; it was never meant to be.
I stupidly ignored people that shouldn’t have been ignored. Became friends with some who i shouldn’t have - they didn’t make me do anything rebellious, but the influenced me in ways that mattered the most.
Friendships grew tighter, friendships drifted apart. it always hurt me, when that happened, but now, now i know it was never meant to be, & it’s for the better. Im a better person for letting the drift.
The last two years of high school, would’ve been my best years at high school. Senior Years. Yr 11 & 12. The work load was shit, but the friendships, Adventures & moments they were what made it what it was.
The friends that matter are still with me, the ones that don’t aren’t. These days i don’t care that my friendship isn’t huge, that we weren’t the ‘popular’ ones, i don’t care that some may think of us as weird cause we have fun and that matters most.
looking back at the past twelve years, even though there are regrets, wishes, dreams and wonder, i can finally say that with closing that chapter of my life, I’m happy with who i left it as.
Me.
I’ve never been one to step outside my ‘comfort zone’ and experience new things or to meet new people. I used silently blame the way my parents bought me up, i never showed it though. I always knew that admitting that was hard enough but to say it out loud to my parents, it would kill them.
The relationship i have with my parents is, i guess unique, in this decade especially. I grew up in a loving family, one that affection wasn’t something to be ashamed of. I guess i’m lucky, some people would kill for that. Some may think its weird or funny, but i don’t. I don’t care who sees me kiss my mum goodbye, or kiss and hug my grandfather hello. That’s who i am.
My years in primary school, involved only having a couple of friends. I guess i was bossy, aren’t most kids?? when people remind me of how i used to be in primary school, i when ever its mentioned, i go silent, regret flows up through my veins and overcomes me. i have to politely ask for them to not talk about it, because the truth is, im ashamed of who i was and who i could potentially be.
Primary School involved being bullied by the boys, fighting with the girls, and only wanting certain people around. I was bullied and i was a bully. It isnt something that im happy about and if i could go back to my 1997 kindergarten-self, i would.
i would tell her to be nice to everyone, not just the people that you are confortable around. Be nice to that girl on the bus who always smiles for no reason, don’t make her cry. Be nice to that boy in the year above reading his brand new book week book outside, don’t kick him in the back. I would make her listen, i would drill it into her head!
i would tell the 10yr old girl who is me, not to do things because she feels that’s what her ‘Bestfriend’ wants to see. I would tell her, just because people bully her, doesn’t give her any right at all to bully others.
I would tell the 12yr old, secluding the ‘new’ friend from the last couple of lunch times of Primary, that it isn’t right. That she too has feelings and you wouldn’t want to be treated that way.
High school bought new friendships, new adventures and many new lessons.My friendship group changed many times over the six years that i spent there.
I learnt who mattered & who didn’t. I learnt that no matter how much you want someone to be your friend, or to like you, that sometimes you had to let it go; it was never meant to be.
I stupidly ignored people that shouldn’t have been ignored. Became friends with some who i shouldn’t have - they didn’t make me do anything rebellious, but the influenced me in ways that mattered the most.
Friendships grew tighter, friendships drifted apart. it always hurt me, when that happened, but now, now i know it was never meant to be, & it’s for the better. Im a better person for letting the drift.
The last two years of high school, would’ve been my best years at high school. Senior Years. Yr 11 & 12. The work load was shit, but the friendships, Adventures & moments they were what made it what it was.
The friends that matter are still with me, the ones that don’t aren’t. These days i don’t care that my friendship isn’t huge, that we weren’t the ‘popular’ ones, i don’t care that some may think of us as weird cause we have fun and that matters most.
looking back at the past twelve years, even though there are regrets, wishes, dreams and wonder, i can finally say that with closing that chapter of my life, I’m happy with who i left it as.
Me.
take me back there.
Take me back to that time, when boys had cooties, when the streets were safe, when everything was good,when worry was only for my parents, when boys were just people, when i only knew what loving your family was,
Take me back to the time when i was younger {&&} when my friends were still the same {&& } didnt change, everything was simple, none of your close friends ignored you, when you would hang out on the weekends together.
please, just take me back!
Take me back to the time when i was younger {&&} when my friends were still the same {&& } didnt change, everything was simple, none of your close friends ignored you, when you would hang out on the weekends together.
please, just take me back!
Fuzzy little feelings
i just love those little moments, when someone leaves you a message, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The ones that make you realise that no matter how much crap there is, you wouldn’t change your life for anything!
Holding on
I’m just Holding on, Just holding on tight, like its a bad dream.
where my fears come reality and try to swallow me whole.
where my heart pounds in my chest, hard and fast.
where the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall delicately down my face.
its like a bad dream where my knees go week,
where my stomach swells roughly like the ocean on a cold stormy night.
I’m just Holding on, Just holding on tight, like it’s a bad dream.
h.newman
where my fears come reality and try to swallow me whole.
where my heart pounds in my chest, hard and fast.
where the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall delicately down my face.
its like a bad dream where my knees go week,
where my stomach swells roughly like the ocean on a cold stormy night.
I’m just Holding on, Just holding on tight, like it’s a bad dream.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
That Moment.
That moment when i cried,
That moment when i revealed that i broke that brick wall,
That moment when everyone was silent,
Those small moments of friendship,
Those moments playing with the kids,
Those moments when the kids laughed,
Those moments when the leaders made me laugh,
they were moments that made up the best experience of my life.
That moment when i revealed that i broke that brick wall,
That moment when everyone was silent,
Those small moments of friendship,
Those moments playing with the kids,
Those moments when the kids laughed,
Those moments when the leaders made me laugh,
they were moments that made up the best experience of my life.
the tears fall down my face
these are feelings that can’t be replaced.
i can’t see anything more, my vision blurred.
my hearts breaking, bleeding through my body.
as the tears fall down my face, showing the feelings that can’t be replaced.
i can’t see anything more, my vision blurred.
my hearts breaking, bleeding through my body.
as the tears fall down my face, showing the feelings that can’t be replaced.
Anywhere but here
A tear. A drop. A sob.
He wasn’t sure where it came from. Somewhere deep within he supposed. The feeling in his chest became sharper. His legs became weak, unsupportive.
More tears were cascading down his face. Another sob. This time louder.
His mind all foggy, unclear as to what was happening. One moment his hand felt the warmth of hers, then the next it was cold. The wind blew. The autumn leaves rustling.
A raindrop. A puddle. Thunder.
His tears muddled with the rain. His heart ached. The onlookers rushed for cover, not wanting to get wet. The delicate petals of the roses were drowning.
Thunder. Guns shots. Screams.
The fog in his mind clearing. The visions of yesterday becoming clearer. The shots and her screams filled his ears. The image of her body falling filled his eyes. The warmth of her blood covered his hands. The taste of her lips filling his mouth.
Love. Laughter. Life.
The memory of her was too painful. The desire to be next to her was unbearable. His mind full of visions. Sounds. Touch. Taste. Feeling. His heart screamed. He wanted out. He wanted anything but to be here. He wanted her.
A gun shot. A scream. Nothing.
h.newman
He wasn’t sure where it came from. Somewhere deep within he supposed. The feeling in his chest became sharper. His legs became weak, unsupportive.
More tears were cascading down his face. Another sob. This time louder.
His mind all foggy, unclear as to what was happening. One moment his hand felt the warmth of hers, then the next it was cold. The wind blew. The autumn leaves rustling.
A raindrop. A puddle. Thunder.
His tears muddled with the rain. His heart ached. The onlookers rushed for cover, not wanting to get wet. The delicate petals of the roses were drowning.
Thunder. Guns shots. Screams.
The fog in his mind clearing. The visions of yesterday becoming clearer. The shots and her screams filled his ears. The image of her body falling filled his eyes. The warmth of her blood covered his hands. The taste of her lips filling his mouth.
Love. Laughter. Life.
The memory of her was too painful. The desire to be next to her was unbearable. His mind full of visions. Sounds. Touch. Taste. Feeling. His heart screamed. He wanted out. He wanted anything but to be here. He wanted her.
A gun shot. A scream. Nothing.
A Moment in time
You felt his hand snake around your neck, pulling your face closer to his.
You know this isn’t want you want.
All your senses are screaming no!
Your heart pounds in your chest so fast it feels as though its going to explode.
He pulls his lips up to yours; you can feel his breath upon your skin.
They feel all scaly and dry.
As he opens his mouth and pushes against your lips,
Your head is spinning; this isn’t what you want.
You want it to stop, he won’t.
Finally letting go and letting him in, you feel you lips part,
Meeting his, one moment it’s just his lips you can feel, the next it’s his tongue.
At that moment it’s all too much for you and you pull away, much to his disgust.
You hear him sigh and you can’t look him in the eye.
Slowly, you rise to your feet.
Feeling sightly dizzy, you walk away.
Out of his life.
You don’t turn back, everything that ever was,
Will never be again.
You know this isn’t want you want.
All your senses are screaming no!
Your heart pounds in your chest so fast it feels as though its going to explode.
He pulls his lips up to yours; you can feel his breath upon your skin.
They feel all scaly and dry.
As he opens his mouth and pushes against your lips,
Your head is spinning; this isn’t what you want.
You want it to stop, he won’t.
Finally letting go and letting him in, you feel you lips part,
Meeting his, one moment it’s just his lips you can feel, the next it’s his tongue.
At that moment it’s all too much for you and you pull away, much to his disgust.
You hear him sigh and you can’t look him in the eye.
Slowly, you rise to your feet.
Feeling sightly dizzy, you walk away.
Out of his life.
You don’t turn back, everything that ever was,
Will never be again.
All she knows is self harm
(blast from the past)
The blood ran down her arm, gently it fell from her skin silently to the ground. This is only the beginning. She has so much pain, so much anger. Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why don’t they care?
She’s just like anyone else, she too needs to be loved. The blood has stopped; she grabs the glass and starts slashing at her skin. The pain so icy and sharp. Each day she cries when she gets home.
So much for friends; there liars, bitches, backstabbers. There all they same, they don’t care about her, let alone her feelings. They told the teacher about her slashed wrists; backstabbers. She locked herself in the toilet; they told. Bitches.
Memories reeling, through her messed up mind. She wants to leave forever, she needs to leave. Running out of the toilet through the cold bitter rain, everyone staring at her; like she was some kind of alien. Her hair blurring her vision and her clothes wet, make up running down her face. There were footsteps trudging after her, “fuck off” she yelled behind her. She ran on through the rain, the clouds were dark, kind of like her soul, her past; never wanting to return to it. She ran until she could no longer run.
Just standing there in the rain, whimpering, they soon caught up. The teacher and her so-called friend, the others didn’t come, why? Her friend wrapped her arms around her fragile body; the poor innocent young girl. “Let me go, why can’t you let me be free!” She fell to her knees crying, her friend falling with her. The teacher looked on at the. Young girls. “Let me be free, please,” “ you are free forever” She was Free
The blood ran down her arm, gently it fell from her skin silently to the ground. This is only the beginning. She has so much pain, so much anger. Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why don’t they care?
She’s just like anyone else, she too needs to be loved. The blood has stopped; she grabs the glass and starts slashing at her skin. The pain so icy and sharp. Each day she cries when she gets home.
So much for friends; there liars, bitches, backstabbers. There all they same, they don’t care about her, let alone her feelings. They told the teacher about her slashed wrists; backstabbers. She locked herself in the toilet; they told. Bitches.
Memories reeling, through her messed up mind. She wants to leave forever, she needs to leave. Running out of the toilet through the cold bitter rain, everyone staring at her; like she was some kind of alien. Her hair blurring her vision and her clothes wet, make up running down her face. There were footsteps trudging after her, “fuck off” she yelled behind her. She ran on through the rain, the clouds were dark, kind of like her soul, her past; never wanting to return to it. She ran until she could no longer run.
Just standing there in the rain, whimpering, they soon caught up. The teacher and her so-called friend, the others didn’t come, why? Her friend wrapped her arms around her fragile body; the poor innocent young girl. “Let me go, why can’t you let me be free!” She fell to her knees crying, her friend falling with her. The teacher looked on at the. Young girls. “Let me be free, please,” “ you are free forever” She was Free
unexplained moments of saddness.
My mum asked me if i was okay, i said yes, she moved quietly and quickly to where i was standing, wrapped her arms around me, hugged me and told me she loved me.
I walked into my darkened bedroom, closed the door, stood still and waited till her footsteps faded and cried.
I walked into my darkened bedroom, closed the door, stood still and waited till her footsteps faded and cried.
hold onto me...please?
Can you walk through my door this very moment.
Look me in the eye & take the few steps that stand between us,
lift my head with you hand, and then wrap your arms around me.
Holding me tight, pick me up and carry me over to the bed and just hold me.
hold me and let me cry, let me know that everything will be alright.
let me know that i’m going to be alright.
please?
Look me in the eye & take the few steps that stand between us,
lift my head with you hand, and then wrap your arms around me.
Holding me tight, pick me up and carry me over to the bed and just hold me.
hold me and let me cry, let me know that everything will be alright.
let me know that i’m going to be alright.
please?
Words full of anger!
it didn’t hurt me you know. You not looking at me, didn’t hurt me. For as long as i can remember you haven’t been apart of my life. It makes no difference to me, I have no memory of you being the grandfather that you used to be. Yes i would probably be a much different person if you were the present in my teenage life, but im me, and im like this because of the people who aren’t gutless, who aren’t arseholes, who love me and who gives a shit about me and my family. I didn’t hurt me, i kind of expected it. I may be sad when you pass away, but for now i don’t really give a shit about you and your life.
admittedly it did hurt the first time, but not the second or the third and it won’t for the forth because that’s who you are, and who you have always been. you can’t stand others feelings apart from yours.
Sometime i think that if you weren’t with ‘dragon’ then you would be the person you should be. My grandfather.
it didn’t hurt && i don’t care.
admittedly it did hurt the first time, but not the second or the third and it won’t for the forth because that’s who you are, and who you have always been. you can’t stand others feelings apart from yours.
Sometime i think that if you weren’t with ‘dragon’ then you would be the person you should be. My grandfather.
it didn’t hurt && i don’t care.
Poem for a dancer.
She Dances,
Footsteps like raindrops.
Her mind freely dancing,
Twirling and Curling.
She dances for everything she has,
Her heart and soul.
Dancing across the sky,
She’s a little Ballerina.
Her Daddy watches,
She’s his little Angel
She can do no Wrong.
When she’s dancing
Dancing, Curling and Twirling,
For everything she has.
Her heart, mind and soul.
She’s her daddy’s little Angel.
-h.newman
Love and Tears.
He stepped closer to the door that was shutting the rest of the world off from the darkened room. His shoulders slouched, eyes to the floor, heart racing.
He raised his head, slowly turning, observing the sleeping figure that lay in the bed behind him.
Breathing deeper, letting a small sound escape from the confines of his throat, he turned back to the door, hand reaching for the handle.
Slowly and quietly he turned it and as he did so, he felt something wet fall down his face. He never cried.
He knew this meant something and maybe some day it’ll come back and haunt him, but for now he would ignore the tears and the love he expressed for this sleeping woman, he would ignore them and leave.
He closed the door behind him, now shutting himself and the whole world off from the darkened room, which contained a beautiful sleeping woman.
-h.newman
He raised his head, slowly turning, observing the sleeping figure that lay in the bed behind him.
Breathing deeper, letting a small sound escape from the confines of his throat, he turned back to the door, hand reaching for the handle.
Slowly and quietly he turned it and as he did so, he felt something wet fall down his face. He never cried.
He knew this meant something and maybe some day it’ll come back and haunt him, but for now he would ignore the tears and the love he expressed for this sleeping woman, he would ignore them and leave.
He closed the door behind him, now shutting himself and the whole world off from the darkened room, which contained a beautiful sleeping woman.
-h.newman
As the world falls asleep
The sun is falling just beyond the horizon,
i glance out of my bedroom window, observing this place i call my home.
My eyes wander to the distance, the trees are black, silhouetted against the beautiful sky.
The one that is slowly falling sleepier into darkness, the sky has the colours of orange, yellow and blue all blurred together.
My breathing is steady, my heart beat normal, a feeling creeps up through my body, a feeling of calmness, a feeling of peace.
The feeling reasures me that everything that ive felt in the past few days is only a mere hurdle, a complication that will soon disappear, my life will feel whole once again.
one day.
i glance out of my bedroom window, observing this place i call my home.
My eyes wander to the distance, the trees are black, silhouetted against the beautiful sky.
The one that is slowly falling sleepier into darkness, the sky has the colours of orange, yellow and blue all blurred together.
My breathing is steady, my heart beat normal, a feeling creeps up through my body, a feeling of calmness, a feeling of peace.
The feeling reasures me that everything that ive felt in the past few days is only a mere hurdle, a complication that will soon disappear, my life will feel whole once again.
one day.
Hanging Heart
As the blood drips, From this heart.
A tear drips from my eye, They crash together on the concrete.
The clear tear turns red, Staining the surface of the earth.
The heart so broken, So fragile & lonely.
No one knows why its broken, No one knows where it belongs.
So many places, So many people. So many hearts, That have been broken.
But not as harsh as this one, This is the heart of a young girl.
One the now knows no pain, One that will never love again.
The blood drips, The tear falls.
-h.newman
A tear drips from my eye, They crash together on the concrete.
The clear tear turns red, Staining the surface of the earth.
The heart so broken, So fragile & lonely.
No one knows why its broken, No one knows where it belongs.
So many places, So many people. So many hearts, That have been broken.
But not as harsh as this one, This is the heart of a young girl.
One the now knows no pain, One that will never love again.
The blood drips, The tear falls.
-h.newman
Crystal Glass Girl
Her crystal eyes started to water,
From the incredible amount of pain you gave her.
She’s that unmistakable angel,
The one that silently stands.
Her tears drop to the ground,
They smash like glass on the concrete.
Her whole life a whirlpool of memories,
Some she doesn’t want to remember.
She goes unnoticed,
Her blonde hair hangs low.
No shoes on her feet,
She’s that crystal glass girl.
The white dress that she never removes,
Has a mark on it,
From the days of yesteryear
Reminds her of the memories she doesn’t want to know.
She’s that crystal glass girl,
With the blonde hair and the white stained dress.
Her tears are like glass when they fall and hit the ground.
She’s that crystal glass girl that nobody knows.
-h.newman
From the incredible amount of pain you gave her.
She’s that unmistakable angel,
The one that silently stands.
Her tears drop to the ground,
They smash like glass on the concrete.
Her whole life a whirlpool of memories,
Some she doesn’t want to remember.
She goes unnoticed,
Her blonde hair hangs low.
No shoes on her feet,
She’s that crystal glass girl.
The white dress that she never removes,
Has a mark on it,
From the days of yesteryear
Reminds her of the memories she doesn’t want to know.
She’s that crystal glass girl,
With the blonde hair and the white stained dress.
Her tears are like glass when they fall and hit the ground.
She’s that crystal glass girl that nobody knows.
-h.newman
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