It was my heart that was affected the most. My mind still works the same, unaffected by past events. Everything still functions the same, even though the thoughts are there, the ones where I go to talk to you and I realise that you’re gone.
The grief isn’t a part of my mind; I don’t feel it there. It’s deep within my heart. Each time I see a photograph of you and I, or someone mentions your name, I can feel it, seeping up through the arteries of my pumping heart. Then, once the feeling of grief has come to the surface, I feel my heart explode shattering into a million pieces once again.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Time to say goodbye.
Written at the end of Year 12.
You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You stifle the noise in your throat. Your stomach swirls as fear spreads through your body. You can’t hear those words, because you’re scared you going to cry.
You force yourself to remember that these were best years of your life and it’s time to say goodbye.
***
You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You try and hold in the noise that is threatening to escape from deep within your throat.
Your stomach is swirling, fear spreading through your entire body making you feel as though you’re going to vomit.
You can’t hear those words, the ones that everyone has been saying, because you’re scared you going to cry. You eyes become blurry as they fill with tears.
You swallow, hoping that it’ll rid away the noise in your throat and the tears in your eyes.
As you walk, slowly, step-by-step, around this place that you’ve come to every single day for the past six years, you know that there are others that feel the same way as you do.
As you share wacky stories and have unimaginable conversations with those your call you friends, you can’t help but let your mind slip to the thought that this could be it, that these moments are the last for awhile with the ones you’ve come to know so well and shared a huge part of your life with.
As the days come and go, much too fast, you try and cherish every single moment with those that are there going through the same experience as you.
The familiar will soon become the unfamiliar.
So you hold onto those special moments of laughter, those wild conversations about what the future holds, You take them and you bury them deep into your heart, where all you cherished moments are held. They will remain there forever, filed under ‘the best years’ of your life.
Your stomach is swirling, fear spreading through your entire body making you feel as though you’re going to vomit.
You can’t hear those words, the ones that everyone has been saying, because you’re scared you going to cry. You eyes become blurry as they fill with tears.
You swallow, hoping that it’ll rid away the noise in your throat and the tears in your eyes.
As you walk, slowly, step-by-step, around this place that you’ve come to every single day for the past six years, you know that there are others that feel the same way as you do.
As you share wacky stories and have unimaginable conversations with those your call you friends, you can’t help but let your mind slip to the thought that this could be it, that these moments are the last for awhile with the ones you’ve come to know so well and shared a huge part of your life with.
As the days come and go, much too fast, you try and cherish every single moment with those that are there going through the same experience as you.
The familiar will soon become the unfamiliar.
So you hold onto those special moments of laughter, those wild conversations about what the future holds, You take them and you bury them deep into your heart, where all you cherished moments are held. They will remain there forever, filed under ‘the best years’ of your life.
You close your eyes. Your heart beats a thousand beats a minute. You stifle the noise in your throat. Your stomach swirls as fear spreads through your body. You can’t hear those words, because you’re scared you going to cry.
You force yourself to remember that these were best years of your life and it’s time to say goodbye.
On the other side.
I saw you. On the other side, I saw you. The side where dreams come true where everything is so white and perfect.
You were staring at me. My heart beat rhythmically in my chest, gently rising and falling with each breath. Your gaze was so loving, your hair so soft and perfect, just the way I like it.
As I step closer, craving your breath to touch my face, my hand rises to touch your cheek. Slowly my fingers brush along your skin yet with each touch of my fingertips you disappear. The beating of my heart increases, my mind spinning. Why was this happening?
I struggle to open my eyes. This had to be a dream; a nightmare. You couldn’t leave me, people didn’t just disappear. Not in the real world. I had only heard of it happening in dreams. I vaguely remember someone mentioning that it happens once you’re in heaven, once you accept that this is the end and your body releases your soul to the skies.
That’s when it hit me. This wasn’t just a dream, I wasn’t asleep, and I wasn’t even breathing anymore. I remember the hands that were wrapped around my throat, robbing my lungs of air. I remember your footsteps racing down the stairs to the room I was dying in. You tried with all your might to save me, but nothing helped.
Now my soul is floating further into heaven, towards the golden light. It stops just before it reaches the point of no return. Slowly, it turns back to face you, to see you standing over my lifeless body. It whispers something, so soft, so sweet and barely audible.
“I love you”
Realisation.
Written as a fan fiction for Sea Patrol
***
“She doesn’t say it very much” Nikki stood there staring out to sea, her breathing calm.
“Pardon?” Mike turn to the young woman, confusion evident in his eyes.
“Kate, She doesn’t it very much, that’s why when she says it she really means it.”
“I’m confused, Say what?” Nikki turned to look him in the eyes. The look in them was unfamiliar to Mike.
“I Love You” Mike breathed in deeply and shifted his gaze to the ocean.
Now he knew what that look was, she knew about the past. she knew that Mike broke Kate’s heart.
“Oh.” Mike mentally slapped himself. He should have stayed.
Kate had said that she loved him and he just left her. No explanation. Nothing.
***
“She doesn’t say it very much” Nikki stood there staring out to sea, her breathing calm.
“Pardon?” Mike turn to the young woman, confusion evident in his eyes.
“Kate, She doesn’t it very much, that’s why when she says it she really means it.”
“I’m confused, Say what?” Nikki turned to look him in the eyes. The look in them was unfamiliar to Mike.
“I Love You” Mike breathed in deeply and shifted his gaze to the ocean.
Now he knew what that look was, she knew about the past. she knew that Mike broke Kate’s heart.
“Oh.” Mike mentally slapped himself. He should have stayed.
Kate had said that she loved him and he just left her. No explanation. Nothing.
Feeling Fear.
They happen for some unknown reason. Inspired by my friend on a school trip.
Sitting silently in the cold breeze, out on a clear winters day, her entire bodyshook; yet she couldn’t feel the cold. Her brain was on over drive and she didn’t know why.
Her heart pounded so fast in her chest, she didn’t know what to do.
There was a need to run, to get away to somewhere familiar where she could talk to someone other than those that constantly surrounded her.
She wanted answers; wanted her head to be clear.
She wanted to rid herself of this fear, of this uncontrollable feeling that rose in her whole body at the times she least expected.
She thought that everything was okay, maybe it wasn’t. All she really wanted was answers. Answers as to why her whole body filled with fear and what the triggers were.
She needed to know. It was important, so she could be a stronger person, not only for herself but also for the others around her.
For now she would just sit here and pray to God that it would pass soon and let others be the comforters.
Today wasn’t a day for answers; it was the day to work through this hurdle in her life; one that was becoming increasingly familiar; a hurdle that she never wanted to face again.
***
Her heart pounded so fast in her chest, she didn’t know what to do.
There was a need to run, to get away to somewhere familiar where she could talk to someone other than those that constantly surrounded her.
She wanted answers; wanted her head to be clear.
She wanted to rid herself of this fear, of this uncontrollable feeling that rose in her whole body at the times she least expected.
She thought that everything was okay, maybe it wasn’t. All she really wanted was answers. Answers as to why her whole body filled with fear and what the triggers were.
She needed to know. It was important, so she could be a stronger person, not only for herself but also for the others around her.
For now she would just sit here and pray to God that it would pass soon and let others be the comforters.
Today wasn’t a day for answers; it was the day to work through this hurdle in her life; one that was becoming increasingly familiar; a hurdle that she never wanted to face again.
Regret.
I fall slowly to the ground and just lay there. My eyes become heavy and gradually, they slip shut.
The darkness becomes an overwhelming power that I can’t resist. Lying there, falling deeply into my eternal sleep, I can’t seem to remember that last important thought. The one my whole life depended on.
The clock keeps ticking and I’m slipping away, memories whirling around my head. Everything seems to come back to one memory, one person. Nikki.
Regret fills my thoughts. I waited too long to tell her how I felt. Now, it’s too late.
The darkness becomes an overwhelming power that I can’t resist. Lying there, falling deeply into my eternal sleep, I can’t seem to remember that last important thought. The one my whole life depended on.
The clock keeps ticking and I’m slipping away, memories whirling around my head. Everything seems to come back to one memory, one person. Nikki.
Regret fills my thoughts. I waited too long to tell her how I felt. Now, it’s too late.
Love should always be enough.
She stood in the middle of the room, staring down at her hands, her blonde hair hanging loosely around her face. Whilst hidden, her eyes were clouded with sadness.
Her eyes didn’t leave her hands, even when he entered the room. Yet he stood there, watching her, preparing to be her support.
“Kate.”
The sudden noise made her jump and her eyes shot up to meet his. No emotion was present.
“I’m sorry.”
His heart raced, his mouth drying out as he waited for a reaction.
She shook her head, letting out a small noise, one that could be mistaken for a laugh. She didn’t believe him.
“Run away with me. Now. No one will have to know”
Desperation was evident in his voice.
“Why?”
He needed a good reason, one that she couldn’t resist, no matter how hard she tried.
“Because, love should always be enough.”
Her eyes didn’t leave her hands, even when he entered the room. Yet he stood there, watching her, preparing to be her support.
“Kate.”
The sudden noise made her jump and her eyes shot up to meet his. No emotion was present.
“I’m sorry.”
His heart raced, his mouth drying out as he waited for a reaction.
She shook her head, letting out a small noise, one that could be mistaken for a laugh. She didn’t believe him.
“Run away with me. Now. No one will have to know”
Desperation was evident in his voice.
“Why?”
He needed a good reason, one that she couldn’t resist, no matter how hard she tried.
“Because, love should always be enough.”
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